Sea Legs

(Image and Swimsuit available from Brooks Brothers)

Getting my sea legs has little to do with sailing for me these days. Rather it is the moment when I must face up to the fact that I will, at some point in the near future, unveil said pasty stems and their supporting structure to the indifferent and unenvious glances at the beach or the pool.

If you, like me, are over the age of 30 and can’t quite carry off the La Perla GrigioPerla swimsuit sported by Daniel Craig in “Casino Royale”, you may be looking for a suitable swimsuit that will do the least damage to your reputation. Here are a few things to consider:

1) Length: I prefer a shorter version of the swimsuit as I am neither hip nor hop. Look for an inseam of 6″ – 9″.

2) Pockets: are a nuisence. They collect sand and balloon up in the water. Besides, my mobile isn’t waterproof.

3) Colour and Graphic Design. Less is, as with most things, more.

4) Material: quick drying and not-at-all clingly is most desirable.

And finally,

5) The Waistband: over 30 you are taking chances with an elastic waistband. Over 40, as I am, and you are flirting with the horrible muffin top regardless of how physically fit you may be. Even Sylvester Stallone had liposuction. I have had enough of hospitals and refuse to volunteer go under the knife. Or vacuum. Or whatever… Yikes. The solution is the sized waist with a draw cord closure. Buy them at your actual size and they will not slip. Nor will they bind and squeeze and redistribute that which has taken you years of sybaritic indulgence to build up.

Try the custom option or Style 301 Mid-thigh Basic from Birdwell Beach Britches. At USD$39.50 they are a steal and will last you indefinitely.

Or consider the Brooks Brothers Country Club Side Stripe Board Short with draw cord closure (shown above.) Worth the sale price of USD$73.88 and ocean tested by your faithful correspondent. The Bond-like light blue are sold out online. But then, my eyes don’t match them anyway.