(”Please, allow me….”)

I hate to have to post this, but having witnessed enough little violations of etiquette of late, I am afraid that the more egregious offences are not long in coming.

Everyone needs a refresher course now and again, even those of us with shelves full of etiquette books. So, let’s review a few basics.

Five Easy and Elegant Rules:

1) When confronted by a revolving door, the gentleman goes first, being careful to not speed through if an older woman or young child is next.

2) Don’t ask anyone’s age. It will be volunteered, if necessary.

3) Don’t ask how much someone paid for a large purchase, like a condo. It will be volunteered, if necessary.

4) Don’t ask how much someone makes as salary.

5) “Please” and “Thank you.”

(Forget about it and do better next time.)

We all have little things of which we are vaguely ashamed or embarrassed. Small skeletons in our closets. I don’t mean the big things that keep you awake at night, but a point in time during which we wished that we had done better.

Back in the late 80’s, my college housemate and I took a road trip down to Florida, stopping off to visit his grandmother. We arrived in the very early morning — somewhere around 3 am. So we pitched a pup-tent in the front yard… well he pitched the tent, it was dark and I have no idea how to actually secure a tent. In the morning, we were invited in for breakfast, spent a marvelous morning with a charming lady and made a date to take her out to dinner that evening.

I forget where we stayed or even if we stayed at her place. But we shaved, showered threw on coats and ties and arrived to have a cocktail before our foray out for the early bird special. Yes, she served us Manhattans! Out the door we went and not long after pulled into a parking lot. I was seated in the front passenger seat, my friend drove and the guest of honor was in the back, behind the driver. We parked. We got out. And while walking into the restaurant, she fell over the curb and her glasses cut her nose.

Which never would have happened if I had remembered my manners and given her a hand out of the car and escorted her into the restaurant.

The folly of youth? Unfortunately, no. Strive as I do, I don’t always make the grade. And you and I are being graded, whether we want to believe it or not.

The heart and soul of living an elegant existence is making it look easy. I’ll say that again, with emphasis added: the heart and soul of living an elegant existence is making it look easy. Which implies effort, continuing effort. The kind of effort that helps you remember a name at a cocktail party, to say “please,” “thank you” and “you’re welcome.” To stand when you are introduced to a woman. To read the headlines in an attempt to add something intelligent and witty to a conversation. To make your guests feel fascinating and at home. To dance with your date (and certainly don’t abandon her!) To offer an arm for support, needed or not.

Begin to master the details of dress, comportment, entertaining and communicating and elegance lies more easily within your grasp. Just remember to make it look easy. After awhile, I’m sure it will be. And then you can stop wishing that you had done something just a little bit better.

My father, a career military man, always said that the military did two things really well: weddings and funerals.

Yesterday I was honored to attend a funeral at Arlington National Cemetery. The ceremony with military honors is very moving. The 3rd Infantry, the “Old Guard” perform their solemn duties with honor and dignity. When the flag-draped coffin passes the honor guard, each man honors the fallen soldier with a final salute.

We, as civilains, often aren’t sure what to do on these solemn occaisions. How should we show our respect? The correct gesture was taught to us early on when we learned The Pledge of Allegiance. Place your right hand over your heart. End the salute when the soldiers lower theirs. You will have performed an elegant gesture in a time when ceremony helps to sustain family and friends.